Looking back on it, it's difficult to believe that it was only a year ago that I was living in those little furnished rooms in C-town, sharing with three guys and an alcoholic girl. I still vividly remember the cream wallpaper, the draft from the window that was clearly put in way before double glazing was invented, the broken desk, the creaky floor and the cardboard walls. I remember drunken shouting from the pub next door to the house, and buying my first plant, a peace lily if I remember correctly.

That time taught me so much about life. I was never rich so I wouldn't call myself spoilt, but I certainly knew little about living alone. Doing your own washing, washing up the dishes by hand, tidying the room and taking the rubbish bags out... they were concepts of which I was aware only through word of mouth, and being thrown head-on into housework was certainly interesting.

I remember the struggle to go to uni, after late nights and a fear of social situations. When you've been part of a clique for as long as I have, it's hard to break out. It's harder to adapt, and the hardest thing is having to present a softcore version of yourself first, so that strangers see you as a person and not as an alcoholic nymphomaniac. Not that I am either of these, but I do enjoy the pub and the bedroom... and who doesn't? We all have our vices...

Student life is tough, especially for a girl. When the choice comes down to buying food or buying a new pair of shoes, the girl will quite sensibly choose shoes, citing the need for smaller portions anyway, and who could blame her logic? She will eat less, be thinner, and have a new pair of shoes! Which is all good and well when she can control her hunger. But when she cannot, and there is no food in the house, she resorts to stealing.

And that's what we all thought. I have already mentioned that I lived with three guys and a girl. The girl, an Eastern European art student, was an alcoholic. She drank more than me. She went through at least a bottle of wine every night and woke everyone up at 3a.m. after losing her keys at least once a week. And I have never seen her buy food. Not that I saw much of any of them, being either at work or out with friends, but she admitted that she hadn't been food shopping yet. So when food began disappearing, we all thought that it was A. It had to have been A., everyone else was too sensible to throw money away like that. Even I, before going on any shoe shopping sprees, sensibly bought several big bags of pasta in case of emergencies. 

And nothing annoyed me more than the theft of food. I didn't deserve it, neither did anyone else. We were all comparatively skint, compared to normal people with jobs anyway, we were all students, but we didn't have to steal food! And so, one day, I set out to catch the Food Thief.

Managed to get the essay in despite being ill with a kidney infection for the past few days. Finally went to the doctor to sort it out as well.

Met up with my mother, went home for a bit and ate some decent food, helped her find a car repair place and walked her to the bus stop when she left the car there. My knowledge of back streets and alleyways is phenomenal!

But that's not the point. When she got on the bus, I was walking along the road, freezing cold, in that delightful English drizzling rain, and I thought that my life could be a lot worse. I have no money, I'm ill but at the same time... I'm living abroad, I have dual citizenship, I have my own place, a boyfriend (for now! ha) and I'm not fat or ugly (though that is, of course, subjective). But on the whole, I don't feel too bad about myself. I own Chanel sunglasses and I have good taste in clothes. I know how to do my own make-up. I work two jobs and am in the process of getting a degree.

I could be a fat hairdresser chav with three kids and a council flat.

Hungover and have the worst cramps ever. Want boyfriend to come and nurse me back to health but there's nothing he can do. He could feed me though. Anyway I'm not going to ask because he's made things weird.

The eyeshadow is still on, which I think is amazing.

I'm hungry.

I have resurrected my essay plan and got seal of approval from housemate. Library tomorrow to type it up and undoubtedly panic. This means getting up early.

Made up with boyfriend, had lots of sex, I'm now slightly sore. But on the (other) good side, I have finally learned how to walk in heels. Well, re-learned, when I was 16, I was not seen without stilettos, then I started drinking and decided that flat shoes were easier not to fall over in.

I have barely any money left for food so I'm going to do the reasonable thing and buy Yves Saint Laurent eyeshadow.

Woke up, had coffee, felt hungry, fretted over the fact I have no food and craved pasta with butter, just plain pasta. The kitchen is too repulsive though so I might just go hungry. Gotta love the student life..

Going to read the module textbook today and go into library early tomorrow to start the essay. In principle, this means no going out tonight, not that I'd want to. Feel weird enough about bumping into D as it is.

I'm kind of liking the fact that I can walk around the house in a dressing gown and no make-up now, but at the same time it feels like letting go.

I am also very poor, which reminds me to contact M about the SG thing.

That's all for now...

P.S. I am putting make up on so I can lean out of the window and smoke. Is that sad?

5 hours later, and all I got round to was brushing my teeth, eating a chicken slice and working with a massive headache. Well, not so much anymore - got to love Nurofen. Been looking at minifridges too, due to a petty food thief at the house. Still, they're all in excess of £100, plus it seems a bit gay to buy one out of principle - shouldn't need to in the first place.

Boyfriend just left, after lazing about and reading a newspaper all day. I feel a bit offended actually. Could have got a bit more attention, but still.

Want to shower but got no make-up remover wipes, so some shopping is needed tomorrow I think. Also thought the week just gone was a week off uni but it turns out that in fact, the week off is this week. Oops. More time to catch up though, as I painfully neglected catching up duties during the week just gone, and contrary to popular opinion, I would like to graduate.

Spending this evening doing crossword puzzles and debating whether to eat something or not. There's frozen pizza in the fridge but that would mean washing at least one plate and I wasn't intending to start that until tomorrow morning. And I've been ordering takeaways a bit too often lately... hmmmmmmmmm what to do??

I want Chinese. Or a big fat hot dog, with onions and lots of ketchup.

Got woken up by what I assume is a Remembrance Day parade. Am now working with the heater on full blast while boyfriend is asleep in my nice warm bed, naked. Life's not fair. Then again, it could be worse. I could be in the parade.

If Alice forgets her keys one more time and I have to wake up in the middle of the night to let her in again, I'm going to make her an offer she can't refuse.

Last night could have been so much better. Went into town with tired and headachey boyfriend to have dinner, picked a pub where a kind of ex of mine and mutual friend of ours works as a chef, ate steak, took the piss out of mouthy football fans (well, I did, boyfriend obviously has nothing against them and I really don't want to see him at a match ever, it would be such a turn-off), then wandered past an empty, intimate restaurant that looked so much better than the pub was. Ah well, live and learn, there's always next Saturday...

Went to Wetherspoons, drank rum (ARR!!!), I adjusted to my killa new boots so that I could actually walk without feeling like it was on a bed of nails.

Ended up at my workplace of course, bored and too tired to be merry drunk. Boyfriend ended up dragging me across the road and home, where I promptly passed out.

There's a fungus growing in the downstairs toilet, next to a puddle of questionable nature, which has been there for a few days. I'm feeling a growing urge to single-handedly clean this house upside down and inside out. Though the pile of washing up in the kitchen (looks like Badlands) really puts me off. I hate washing up. What's wrong with a nice little dishwasher? Student life is tough...

Don't let the words "downstairs toilet" give you a wrong impression of the kind of place I live in. It's not a multiple-bathroomed South East Versailles. It's a Victorian houseshare above a shop, in a tiny side street off the town's main shopping road. It's next to a lairy pub, and across the road from an ok one, which I work in. It's permanently cold, never completely light and never completely dark because of all the neon signs and street lights in the road (they've started putting Christmas ones up as well, joy). There's double glazing in only one of the windows, and they're nigh on impossible to open and shut. I love it, it feels so bohemian and, I don't know, studenty.

A guy I had a thing with once lives across the road, above another shop. I've been in his house once, long after that liaison, with a group of friends that wanted to score some gear. It looked like a squat. There was no bed, only a mattress, smelly black clothes all over the floor, and an abundance of ashtrays and empty bottles. He threw some camo pants off a guitar amp so I could sit down. And now, I think that yeah I might be a naturally messy person, and yes there are several dirty plates and cups in my room, but I have a desk, a wardrobe, a double bed with colour coded bedlinen, a lamp, a plant (a dying plant, oops), pot pourri and cushions. I like my room, and I wish him good luck in trying to get a girl to stay the night. Not that he's the kind of person that would.

Boyfriend spent the whole night throwing up with food poisoning so I'm staying at his today/tonight to make him cups of tea and feed him oranges and dinner. Getting up early tomorrow so I can get home in the morning and tidy the shit out of my room and do the washing up finally.

Went to the shop today to get food and the town smells like wet dog. It's also really foggy in a kind of mystical way and there's people running about squinting everywhere, to hurry into shops/cars/flats. I would love to do some proper cooking but I'm not sure I can do it all myself, so I just got Southern fried chicken fillets and oven chips.

Had sliced cucumber and carrots with dip for lunch and now feel slightly sick.

Got my hair done last week, it's now a lot darker and smoother - hurrah for snipping off the split ends! Really need to wash it though, but I'm putting it off because the first time you wash hairdresser-styled hair, it never looks the same again. I need to start earning enough money to be able to get my hair done professionally every single time.

Thinking seriously about Suicide Girls now, I need the money and boyfriend doesn't mind it. I found a photographer who is also a lecturer at the local art college/uni that is willing to do it, he used to be the official one for them too, so I'll work with him if everything works out. Can anyone think of any themes for me though? It's so difficult.... Might go with the Russian thing, would be quite an idea. With the whole military jacket and hat and stuff... the tattoo would look good as well.

That's all for now...

Time to put on a hat to cover up the greasy hair, more make up to cover up last night's (still cemented to my face), wrap up warm and take an umbrella and venture out to Sainsburys to buy tampons and some food for tonight. Proper food shopping tomorrow. Or today, online.

The next two hours equal tidying up and doing washing and everything else I should have done earlier. I need to go into Primark as well, and buy a really warm jumper, seeing as I haven't got any in this flat.

Found out I have a test at uni tomorrow, which is worrying as I haven't attended for a couple of weeks. Sunday night = frantic catching up, if I didn't have stupid work to do...

I need to eat but I'm not hungry. I tried eating a burger and chips last night even though I was starving but they kept making me retch so I gave up and went to bed in the end.

Oh boy I just spent literally a whole week round the boy's, now I'm upstairs and a bit nervous about coming down and getting something to eat because I think my mother is pretty mad at me.

Last night was strangely emotional and I just locked up. My manager told me I was a great barmaid and a really nice person (but a pain in the arse apparently), and told me I had a great boyfriend (we went out last night and ended up in the bar where I work). Then he told Paul that I "think the world of him" while I was in the toilet, and the emotional issues kicked in; we spent the whole night taking the piss out of each other ("Aww you think the world of me!", "Yeah well you said the L word!").

Overslept for work today. Oops.

Overslept by an hour and a half and was subsequently an hour and a half late to start work. Felt surprisingly well considering I was wasted last night, but it was just my body being sluggish and once it realised I was awake, I wanted death.

Went to Paul's cousin's wedding last night. Was scary. Met his mother, she seems nice.

He said the L word.

I have uni tomorrow and I hate the thought.

Last night was full of awkwardness and air kissing. Worked half-heartedly, jumped at the chance to finish early, went to the pub I used to work at up the road, and suddenly had a really good night! Chatted with a drunk boyfriend's brother's girlfriend (got it?) and got a bit drunk myself, possibly because I was so tired.

Got to humiliate a doorman. The set-up is such: I no longer work there but there are people that worked there for long enough and made a big enough impact for them to be remembered and they still get in for free, stay after hours if they want, get priority being served and so on. Of course, this is depending on the fact that the people they worked with still work there, which is problematic because that pub has a high employment turnover anyway. So some of the new staff aren't necessarily aware of it. And this bouncer was kicking people out while we were in the beer garden and he stood right behind me and said, "can you all start moving towards the exit please?" so I turned round, our eyes met and we stared at each other for a few seconds, then I turned away and Dani said to the other guy that we can stay.

Don't want to think about university. I was planning to have moved out by now.

Length of nails is in inverse proportion to typing proficiency.

Just spent a few days with Paul. I'm starting to think I'm liking being at his too much. He drunkenly referred to his flat as "our" flat, which was amusing, then we started talking about whether I wanted to go to the family wedding but got sidetracked by some random Internet shit.

I am currently trying to work, do my nails/make-up/hair, figure out my uni modules and sort out my mail (read "work" as go on Facebook etc). And listening to Akon.

I feel I was rude to a good friend yesterday but don't know how to apologise. I'm so shit with apologising in general.

Anyway back to work...

Went to course registration/enrolment today and I actually feel like a student now! Got my ID card and everything. And I was dreading it before but now I think it's not too bad, touch wood.

Got Tuesday off on the timetable too.

Went to Cosmo (Chinese place) with Aley and Dan. It was fun.

BLAH BLAH.  

Made up with the boy last night, through his choice (he was mad at me more than I was at him), then got stoned and had elaborate sex. Too much info? You bet.

I want to go shopping for the new flat, for plants and cushions and lamps. And I want a rat or a hamster. Have I mentioned this before? Probably.

Lunch with Aley tomorrow.

I should really keep this more anonymous, shouldn't I? Ah well, not like anyone reads this really.

Addicted to 2 of Hearts by Ultraviolet Sound. Can't download it anywhere, can only stream it from the Perez site. Which is slightly annoying and I want to play it now but I think bf wouldn't approve of me playing it yet again (didn't exactly put it on repeat last night, but it was close). Will have to wait until he leaves and dance round naked. And yes, they do have a MySpace. Go listen.

LALALALA.... uni stuff is starting to loom on the horizon and it's vaguely, yet very distinctively, terrifying.

I just looked at some MySpace "celebrities" and am starting to think it's time to get back into modelling.

Ok, I have recovered enough to actually make sense, kind of... I can almost balance and everything, though the shower did throw me a bit, I think I'm gonna go lie down for a minute. And die hopefully. I could have sworn I wasn't that drunk last night...

I composed a genius blog entry in the shwer but of course forgot it by now. Not even gonna try and reconstruct it because it will come out as some sort of horrible parody.

Ok, today I have:
Moped around feeling sorry for myself
Came to some sort of grim resignation that arguing with your boyfriend DOESN'T MATTTER (even though it does)
Ate fruit and yogurt
Felt vaguely embarrassed because my mother saw me drunk last night
Shaved my legs and undoubtedly left out loads of patches
Felt nauseous
Wanted to tidy my room but lacked the energy to do anything about it
Called Kent Uni and asked about the Clearing passport
Ignored persistent phone calls from the photoshoot people (they want a 97 quid cancellation charge, they can go and do that thing with themselves)
Texted Paul, Dan and Kim and felt rejected because I was the only one unfortunate to be awake at the ungodly hour of 10am
Wondered if I do actually still have a boyfriend
Craved Burger King

There's more but I'll do that in parts, when I have the ability to actually use this gooey thing in my brain. It feels like wet papier mache

Horrible, horrible weekend. Too much drinking, too much feeling awful, too much arguing.

Right now I'm shaking from excess of drink and lack of sleep, feeling sick and half heartedly doing work. I have really dirty hair and hairy legs. This is not my finest moment.

Spent way too much money.

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This time only in...

( Russian )

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